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1) A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to another guy already sitting there at the bar. He orders a beer and looks over at the guy sitting next to him and says "Hey, wanna hear a Polish Joke?" and starts to tell it. The other guy looks over at him and says " Wait? Before you go any farther, I have to tell you, I AM Polish so..." The first guy just looks at him and says "Oh, I didn't know, sorry, I'll tell it slowly then!"
2) A Pollock wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Pollock to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Pollock understood and was ready. The time came to have the Pollock jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Pollock that he would be right behind him. The Pollock proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Pollock. The Pollock seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
3) An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pollock were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, _but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll have a five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five a years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The Pollock says, "I'll have a five years' supply of cigarettes!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release the Pollock, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a match?"
4) A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they *want*?" The Frenchman replies "Maybe I can help a leetle beet, What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very queekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. But still the women will hardly even look at him, except to laugh. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing, all they do is laugh at me! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet more. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee sweeming suit?"
5) A Russian and a Pollock were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men worked hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. When they opened it, they found jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Pollock's hand and earnestly says "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says, "Oh no, 50 - 50".
6) A man goes to a whore house. The Madam has no women available at that time but, since the guy is Polish, she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Pollock comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the Pollock, "I bit her on the tit and she made a farting sound and flew out the window!"
7) A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "Well I'll tell you what. If you CAN tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
8) A Pollock, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. The black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Pollock appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," said the Pollock, "I have a long way to go, so if it
gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
9) Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11’ 2"." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11’ 6". So the first Pollock looks at the second Pollock and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"
10) Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot," and WIDE too!"
11) A Pollock was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
12) Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"
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