If you don’t know where you’ve been and how far you’ve come how can you appreciate what you have now!?
So with that said, let continue on with “As The Monte Turns!”
It wasn’t too long after the screaming lady night that it really came falling down around me and I started my spiral down ward. Yeah that night was a high note for me compared to what was ahead in my life. Little did I know that the event I’m going to tell you about, I believe also shaped my relationship between my mom and I. I remember it like it was yesterday. Picture this, an almost eight-year-old little boy with beyond average feelings and emotions for his age is standing in the kitchen with his mom. Yep, there she was, getting dinner ready. She was shopping up some meat on the cutting board and I was talking to her about how I felt and things I thought deep inside. She didn’t skip a movement and just listened while I talked. I don’t believe she even looked at me the entire time until apparently, I went too far with what I was saying.
I told her I loved her more than anything. She said she loved me too, I then said how much I loved going to work with her to be able to spend more time and even wished I could be with her every minute. It was OK back then to do stuff like that. Many times when she had to go pull a late night shift My sister and I would go along and either stay in the back room at the hospital where she worked as a Medical Lab Technician or we would stay in the car and sleep in the back seat. But then I said it, the ultimate in dumb things to say I guess. I told her that I want to be with her so much that’s probably why I don’t like school, cuz I just want to be with her. Well that did it. She went form cutting that meat to a dead stop and looked at me as she said, “Oh now just quit! Quit being so stupid in what you’re saying. That’s the most ridicules thing I’ve ever heard, now go sit down somewhere!” Her tone was cold and without emotion as she looked back down and continued to cut up what she was going to cook for dinner. I was really shocked and hurt, it was at that moment I felt the ultimate feeling of embarrassment. You know the kind, when you say or do something that just tares your world apart and you don’t know how to even breath or what to say or how to act while your body sort of goes numb and you do your best to act all OK About it but inside you feel totally stupid. It was right then that I thought to myself “It’s wrong to say I love you that much?”
She just totally shut me down. She said a few other things, but I didn’t really pay attention as I was still hanging on the shut up and don’t be so stupid part. I do remember it was all negative toward my statement to her about how I felt. I was crushed, my heart felt a sudden cold go across it as I walked away. I didn’t cry, though I wanted to. I wasn’t going to give her or anyone the satisfaction of knowing I felt so beat. I do remember as I walked away, saying in my little mind while taking a slow deep breath, “Fine! That’s how you feel? Guess I said enough to last forever then, and I don’t have to say it anymore!” For some reason I immediately convinced my self it was what I wanted to happen, and I only said that much to hold her over for a long time of me not saying it. I was justifying in my mind that it was OK. Even though I felt embarrassed beyond any level I ever felt before, my brain took over to make my life not feel so completely devastated.
That wasn’t the only embarrassing time I had with her though. Over time there were many more and I always just felt it was because she was embarrassed to have me in the first place. The reason for that feeling of how bad I was came from hearing over and over through the years that she had given up a career as a model, singer she was starting and even gave up playing the violin because she had kids. Her claim to fame modeling career at that time was for modeling Bra and Panty ads in the Sears catalog. She never really learned how to play the violin but to hear her talk, she was ready for the symphony or something. I won’t even get started on her singing. So as a child what else would I think but that I ruined her life. She never once said it was OK or that we were more important to her than all that. But things got worse as time went on and I’ll tell you next time about my complete humiliation as a boy coming of age in front of a couple girls my age, all at the hand of my mom.
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